One Life

The End

2008-08-08T05:01:00.003+01:00

Noises of the living wake me.

I don't make it a big secret to others that I've had a hard a very painful life. It seems everything good is destroyed and the bad are rewarded by their sins.

To explain in a more down-to-earth tone, I'll continue.

When I was a kid I was placed in the special classes of primary school. In other words, I was slow. Well, that's one way it was down on paper. In reality, I was quiet and smart. Both got me on bad sides with my fellow students. This had a chain reaction leading me to eventually being placed in the special classes. I was a very bright kid... very bright. I excelled in maths, English reading/writing, I had a large vocabulary.

But I could never release these skills because, frankly, I was bullied to the point of suicide... even at such a young age the thoughts of sleeping eternally crept in my head. My grades were bad, very bad. To say it was mostly the other students' faults is an understatement.

I had many fights... many. More than I remember. But I was never a fighter. I was the silent, smart kid. Unfortunately, people changed me. I couldn't be allowed to focus on work, on growing up, on anything but surviving. Asking for help from adults, teachers or police was useless. The only thing I had and STILL have... is myself and my family. That is all I'll ever have.

I lashed out from the stress many times. I hit people because they had hit me before, or because they angered me. The worst time was when a teenager in secondary school caused me to see red. Losing control is a possibility, it's not a poetic expression, it's a hard, sore reality. I lost control. Your body does things you're not even telling it to. You feel your thoughts not controlling your actions, but your emotions. They take the steering wheel and drive your anger, your sadness.

I took a mallet, a wooden mallet in school. I hit the enemy twice. Only twice. The police arrested me and I was told to leave the school. This happened because nobody helped me. Nothing was done to ease my pain, to stop the enemies I had. I had tried and tried. I asked, I pleaded, I explained. Nobody heard me, everyone was lazy, everyone only cared about their lunch break and their own pointless lives.

Eyes only on me when I show them the cause of their neglect. That of which, they selfishly stare and point at. They act surprised when they should know this is what happens. The police have never helped me.

In primary school, I was head of my SPECIAL class. The best of the stupid, so to say. Every week the school would hold an assembly. They'd announce the best student of each class for the week. That student who did well that week would get an award and an applause.

I was good almost every week. I did lots of work despite my enemies.

My enemies got rewards.

They got rewards not because they were good, but because they acted good once in a while. They'd get lucky and say the right thing. When something acts out of ordinary, it is noticed and remembered more than anything else about that person. I was good all of the time. Being bad one day would set people's minds that I was bad.

Stupid people are only effected by this.

My enemies... the evil... they were remembered as good because of the out-of-ordinary good behaviour they'd show maybe once a week. The teacher would remember this and reward them while what I got... were meetings. Meetings about my behaviour.

Finally, I snapped out of it. I didn't need their rewards. I didn't need their applause. I didn't need any of their fake praise. Their smiles through their teeth. So I gave up. I changed. I got an attitude to rival the fools. I executed actions to rival their policy. I said words to devastate, disgrace and embarrass their true stupidly. To show them naked to each other.

Teachers said I'd developed an attitude. I had developed a bad mind-set. Nothing could be worse to be called bad by such fools. The real sin was them. Their naked sin that they're too stupid to see, too foolish to comprehend.

I've been attacked many times in my life. By the same enemy or different.

Once, I tried to embrace a friend from far away. A friend I had met digitally. This person was good. The first time we ever went out together... the good person... my friend... was bleeding from a stranger. An evil stranger. Another enemy. The very first day. The very first time we tried to see things together.

Have you ever looked at a knife for hours?

Have you ever tuned a radio only to leave it on the white noise?

I have put a knife to my own skin.

I have drowned my awareness in fuzz.

I realise now that this world is not for the good. It is to harm the good and reward the evil. I have no love for this world. I would have killed myself LONG ago if it wasn't for my family. My family is the only thing that I care for. It has extended my tolerance of this world.

Everyone is the same.

When people hear of their demise... they a fearful. When I see movies of heroes saving their entire human race... I think of the wasted effort. I think of the heroes as evil for letting this fish dangle longer so millions can still suffer.

When I hear theories of the world ending, I don't mind. I embrace it, I welcome it. Everyone else runs scared, though. Everybody rejects theories that are no use to them. Theories are challenged all the time. But rarely are there theories that have no use are even made.

When they are... EVERYONE disregards them as false, as foolish... as a ploy to scare them.

The real foolishness if for an entire race that has experienced so much pain, to only believe positive theories.

In recent news, CERN have announced that their LHC will do its first round. It's first beam. There is a theory that everyone is disregarding. The possibility that this process will create black holes.

Black holes have been created by man. What most people are so IGNORANT to is that this kind of experiment HAS been done before. Black holes have been made... they are absorbed by the atmosphere of this world because of their size.

This experiment is simply a whole lot bigger. So big, it's one of the largest experimenters in history. The theory is that the process will make black holes too intense, too large for the atmosphere to absorb. If it is not absorbed instantly, the world will disappear in less time than we can comprehend. The people who were right about this negative theory won't even live to know it.

The people who laugh at it won't even know what hit them.

That is of course... if the theory is correct.

I hope it is. Because I want everything to disappear. I'm not afraid at all. I welcome this eternal blackness. This ever lasting rest and peace. No punches on me. No shouting. No meetings. No grades. No work, getting up, paying bills, remembering phone numbers, talking to the police, being arrested. Nothing but pure nothing. The best thing ever.

Hopefully... the end.

Juggled Image

2008-03-25T08:57:00.005Z

My past is something I'd rather forget. The kind of memories I thought I had forgotten, but were always the facts of I could never speak of and cursed my ability not to find the right words. I'm still young, but I feel a thousand years old. The days when I was still a kid in primary school seems so far in the past, but feesl so fresh and the pain is still fueling my anger.

It's safe to say Ireland is small, and the towns are even smaller. The population here is also small, with a 3rd of it being in Dublin alone. Then where I live... known for being one of the worst places to live in Dublin while also being the highest populated area, too. So it's also safe to say that this place is as populated as a place you can get in Ireland.

Well, it's where I've grown up and still currently live, go to school and sleep here. I never travel much and I've never been out of Ireland. I feel this is the worst thing about me. I'm the kind of person who SHOULD travel and I have the most fun travelling, too. I love other cultures and new places. I feel stimulated by the activity and it's usually the height of my happiness.

Money. That's really the only reason I don't travel. It's not also the urge to travel, but the repulsion of where I live that forms my desire to leave. A while ago I never realised the charm and peace of the area I live in. It's the people that make an area a place. The residents, the daily motion, the sounds of voices, engine-starts of cars, unlocking and locking doors. They are the people that make the place. Too bad for me the people here make this place, a hell. It's just like one of those neighbourhoods you saw on TV and saw youths causing lots of trouble. Fires starting and victims being beaten up and sometimes killed (the only time the police try do anything about it)

But I write now because of my old school. It was named after a saint. There I was brainwashed and guided from an early age into religion. There was even a star chart on the wall to show how religious you were being. My chart slowly diminished. Realising that now, I guess I always did have faded beliefs in god. The specific religion was Christianity.

Although I was religious at one point. Being a kid, how could I not be unless I had parents who were not religious? My parENT was religious at the time, asked me to say prayers. My two sisters were mildly religious but I never questioned it that much. I slowly began to lose my belief from no where. I read books. Detective books. From them I learned of SPECULATION, THEORIES and FACTS... and a whole lot of other stuff like guessing. For something to be true, it has to be PROVEN. Then it's a fact. I understood that religion was against this and lived upon FAITH. So I learned the history of religion. How in ancient times priests broke their codes, has many children, took money from peasants by saying it would send them to heaven. It all made me angry and so I lost my faith.

But I was baptised, had my COMMUNION and all the other rituals of the religion. Upon the last days of the rituals I told the teacher, “I’m not very religious.” From then on it spread, the teacher got angry at me and said I shouldn’t be performing the rituals, being with the other kids while doing it or anything like that. I was always bullied, but now the other children had yet another reason to bully more and more severely.

Either way I took part it in knowing it was the rules. It was a Christian school, and you must be Christian to send your kids to a school like that. I hated every bit of it. In fact, I was scared at certain points and even managed to mess up some ritual timing. Irony is, I actually prayed TOO long. I was scared if I didn’t say enough prayers silently, the priest would get angry and kill me. I was called to a seat though, after messing it up.

Well, beyond that is just more school things and growing up. I had forgotten ALL of that until a short while ago. I was drinking a lot of milk, being very thirsty. I noticed most of the milk was gone so I woke my parent, took money and went to the shop to buy more. But that was an excuse to stretch my legs. After returning, I left again and headed to my old school… the school I never liked. It’s like turning around to see the shit you just stepped in.

The school was and still is full of horrible people. The workers can’t do their jobs right, the kids are so evil and unmannered. I believe nobody in this part of Dublin even knows the nature of the word respect. Respect for anything, anyone, even themselves. They are disgrace to humans. Sometimes I find it so hard to believe I grew up here. The people here say they are religious and call me a devil worshiper, when in fact I know more about religion than they do. I can name off the 10 commandments. I even got an A in religion and studied it in Secondary School as an extra subject. I probably don’t break the rules as much as they do. Not that I care, since I have no interest in religion, but simply for the fist-clenching irony that these of these fools I speak of this. To humour you, let’s pretend there is a god… and I was to step up to her, and for all the people who have hurt me to do so too, I wonder who she would pick to show mercy to. A good-hearted Atheist, or some of the worst scum in the world that call themselves Christians. I think from seeing this, God would see who’s following her, and see who is not. With that, would wish she had never created the world at all, or live, or anything.

But god doesn’t exist, she I just a stupid tale.

I went to my old school. It was early and nobody was around. I was dressed in blue jeans, an black shirt but with a white jumper over it, a black bandana in a headband style, a long black leather trench coat and black leather gloves. I traced my steps to the school as I always did when I was a kid. I remember the times when I would run home for the fun of it. Then I could see the roads where I was picked on, beaten, and had to watch my older sister fend of guys. Guys who would hit her in the face or throw large rocks at her head and hurt her very much.

Then I reached the gates, the green gates with very sharp heads to prevent intruders. It also had barbed-wire across the top of the gate. The gate was locked, being Easter and all. So silent, nobody around. Windy, warm and bright. My perfect day. I threaded along the entire gate, scanning the back of the school. I always went to school by the back way because it it’s so very, very close to where I live. Less than 3 minute walk. I still hear kids on school mornings. I came to a second gate on the opposite end of the street. The gate I never went in when I was a kid because it was scary.

When I came to it, the gay had been mended a few times. I could see missing bars on it and some were somehow melted. There was graffiti everywhere. “Chav” written on the floor made me laugh mildly. I tested the lock. I pulled a stick out of the gate that had somehow broken through the end of the steel. It was hard to pull out but I got it and dropped it.

I remembered the fights I had at the gate. It was with a traveller kid who pushed me. My face was badly hurt that day but I was not bleeding like he was. He was younger than me, but the travellers in my area would pick on an elephant even if they were in a wheelchair. One word, stupidity. I stead after school but he ran away. My face was tended to. The principle questioned me. I tried to tell him what happened but I was out of breath and rushing. I apologised and said, “Sorry, my adrenaline is still active.” He looked surprised at my use of words and knowledge at such age. I was quite young.

I could almost see the half-tone images of children I knew still playing in the playground. I remembered how much I hated the place and all those times I was picked on. All the horrible moments. Each of them being re-lived in a second, retold by my re-visit.

I found a piece of smashed glass. I picked it up, looking at the early sun gleaming through it. I tried to see my face but juggled image was all I could see because of the cracks. I let it drop and dusted my leather gloves. I threaded back to the first gate and headed home, opening my house door with the key from the right pocket of my trench coat.

Roman Alphabet

2008-02-04T00:29:00.000Z

Pain rips away a black sky that covers my eyes. A headache is my way to awake.

"Lies can distort and cause wars..."

Waking up with a headache was not my usual morning. Months gone by like water down a drain. Many things not to be called fresh memory, but the bother of being recent happenings. 2008 it is now. 2007 from my last entry... oh what a world.

Let's catch up, shall we?

Devil Brother Meeting
Lash Out Flaws (Of A Female Parent)
The Letter C
Routine
Gain
Negative Destination
Read Everything, I Wish I Could

They would be the names of all past Blog entries if I had made them. 1 being the first one after my last, and 7 being the one before this. What they would be filled with is only in my mind. I don't plan on saying what has happened. But maybe, through what I say now, how I say it and the human ability to fill in gaps will replace the need for those entries. Much like a movie, it is made up of many pictures; the human mind connects what is in between them to give the illusion of movement.

But is that not what everything is? Movement. Since time is only something we... I, humans need and rely on so deeply, that does not exist. It does not exist. It does not. No, it doesn't. I have learned this through real science. Yet my human ability will not let me say even one argument to defend such proof, without using a phrase or reference to time its self, using its actual structure, contradicting what I mean. It basically means I know the end of the track, I know the prize, but I will never be able to run it without tripping up.

Devil May Cry. I read it. That is what I read, Devil May Cry. That was the name of the book I read. I read it... but not before I bought it. BEFORE. That does not imply time. It simply means I bought it not AFTER the movement of reading it. If there is no time, everything isn't going FORWARD. It makes me feel... still. Things only move and happen. Nothing is pushed by time to move. Time is not making me type these words, letters, phrases, sentences and paragraphs... I am. I am. The seconds on clocks will always go forward, but they are human-made tools to organise ourselves as we do not have the intelligence to do it without some, uncontrollable, god-like parent figure that is all wise. Time is wise. Business people look at. Rulers need it. Scientists use it. I use it. Because humans are like dogs to something that cant be stopped or rewound. Time is wise. But not there. Just as though I see god. Wise, controlling, controlling people... yet... not there. Time is very like god. Made by humans, used by humans, respected by humans, believed in by humans... but that's all it is. As big as that may be, it is all it is. It will never be as real as the wind, as my hand, as you, the readers’ thoughts as you read this. It will be more known, but never as real. Look back at yourself, think of God, think of Time... you are real, they are not. Now, respect yourself above them. Know you are better than them, now you are worth more that any of them. Because you are real. You can die... you can sleep, you can feel water. They will never be able, or have the right, to do such things.

I guess the reason why I don't like the letter C is because it's a poser. It has no right in the Roman alphabet. The same could be said for X, Q, V and L. But... C is, more... annoying. It's more apparent. It is in more words.

C is Sea and See. Why should the letter S be used in saying, C? K. K is a respectable letter. It's strong and sharp. It is in many words. Say K. You need to use K to say K. And to say it in Kan is wrong. C takes it place. So C makes the same sounds as K and S together. But, it shouldn't. We have K, we have S. There is no need for C. Maybe because we're so used to it now, we don't want to get rid of it... or can't.

Kan
Kandy
Kill

Cill. Why not Cill? C seems to take many places K should be, but people will say Cill would be pronounced, "Sil." Why I ask. Why? Why would we involve S in this. She has no business here. Cill, Kill, Sill. C, please go away.

Cat. Kat. Kat, that's what it should be. But no, C(see) should be here. Not S, that would be Sat. Kat. Sat. Cat. C is a mutant. A poser. An annoying Roman Letter I wish to be gone.

At least V, L and X have a certain style to them. X has a snake sound. A mixture of S and K similar to C, but still has its own identity. A COOL aspect. L. L are bubbles. Bubbles sound like L. Water sounds like L. L is a young R.

V is ALMOST its own letter. It comes so close I WANT it to be its own letter. But its not. In a way, it's 90% there, and 40% there. If you say only 40% of B, that is V. But the ending sound is so unlike B, I want it to be V. V, an independent letter.

The Roman alphabet is only has 1 major flaw, and about 3-4 minor flaws. The English language, however, has countless flaws, despite me using it this entire Blog post.

One of the most frequent flaws is the repeating words. Maybe people USING the English language are to blame.

Sea. See. C.
To. Too. Two.
For. 4
3. Tree.
One. Won.
Isle (Il)
Phone (Fowen)

The Japanese language does not have these flaws.

I read Devil May Cry. But not before buying it. Buying it with my female friend. I will call her, S-Girl. Because she has style? Maybe. She likes Devil May Cry. She is... smarter than me. Funnier than me in ways. And in a lot of ways... better than me overall. However, she is not taller than me. Heavier, possibly. But certainly not taller.

I have been told I am very sexy. I have been told I am cute, tall, funny, and handsome. As far as I know, these things are supposed to be said to me by people my own age, people who admire this or are looking for sex. But I don't get attention like that. I am simply told in a formal way. It's like being asked to marry. But not with a ring in a nice place with great atmosphere. This is like being asked to marry in an office, by someone with better things to do.

I guess I believe I am good looking, to some extent. Not full of myself, but being modest is not my thing, as it would make me seem like I don't know that I am nice looking... leading me to having little skill to identify nice looking people, or... worst of all, being inexperienced.

Visuals are important. Really tall people above 6tf are actually in great numbers. There many, many people that are this tall. However, visuals do not say so. What people wear, their style of standing, walking, movement and all those small things that make them unique play their part. Just like side-way stripes make things look shorter, and downward stripes make things look longer. Colours can affect this too.

Red is strong. Green is strong. Blue is weak. But only to humans. The human eye can notice red an incredible amount faster than it can blue. Red, our instinct to find blood and feed. Green, our need to find plants and feed. Blue, blue... nothing. Water is not blue. Water is transparent and more often grey, or the colour under it, which is usually a colour related with gravel. I try to wear red and green. My trousers are green with forest camouflage. I think S-Girl likes this sort of thing. My shoes have green lines. My bandana, red and black. My shirts usually have red or something.

I don't like green, I respect and use it.

Here is a task, for you, my friend. Scan the room you're in right now. Find as many red things as you can. Once finished, find as many green objects. Then, try blue. If there are not as many blue things in your room as the other two colours, fair enough. But you will still find that the time between where you find one blue object and then another, is slightly longer. You may not notice it, though.

"... but if all were to tell the truth, the world would end."

Bad Apple

2007-11-20T20:28:00.000Z

No questions asked... I open my eyes and realise none of them will be answered.

"React normally, and you're a coward..."

I have been attending an Entrepreneur Project. It deals with students learning to build their own business. This was about even weeks ago, one class each week, every Tuesday. I didn't like the classes. The room was big and oval. From the outside it was quite nice. With two domes together, and the oval halved, it looks like a bra when lying down. Inside, however, is very different. My last class didn't go so well.

The room was a bright yet still somehow remaining dead. The air was very cold for something indoors. I rarely get cold. In fact, I only get really cold or it begins to actually bother me when I am tired. And for my last week's Tuesday class, I was very tired and the dome was very cold. Not a good mix. I decided it wasn't for me, the project. So I simply decided to focus on more important things in my life. And to enhance that, I had to leave the project. Mentioning it to an important male, he told me no. I persisted that I didn’t want to go and that it was my choice. But he said try the next few weeks until Christmas and see how I feel then. I rejected and headed home. A short way down the road, the blonde female who once drove me to my Japanese lessons came out. She called me back and wasn’t happy with what I was doing. She also persisted that I go, so I rejected once again. But the male made me feel guild by mentioning it took him a lot to get into it. So I gave in and went to the class that I didn’t enjoy one bit. I went again the week after with no question.

I was feeling hungry at night so I put a pizza on. It looked very nice. In the instructions on how to cook, it suggested I make a salad and drink my favourite red wine. Since I refuse to drink anything that harms my organs or destroys my brain cells, I chose another drink. But I did want to make the salad. Feeling lost and a bit foolish, I wasn’t sure where to start in making a salad. My biological sister is good at eating salads and above average in making them. This is so because she is a vegan and can’t ear or drink anything that comes form an animal. Milk, eggs, meat, chocolate (normal) and really anything like that. She also doesn’t wear leather of fur, but her shoes are still made of leather because it’s too hard and expensive for her to find anything else.

She helped me make the salad. I was happy. I hate the pizza and salad together. She said that what I had chosen was really nice. We chatted for a long time and I mentioned that I did really not like the Tuesday classes I was taking. She insisted that I reject to go there anymore. I explained that the male and blonde female would not accept such a statement. She shook off that fact and still told me that because I’m a human, I don’t have to do anything I don’t want, that I always have I choice. After some deep discussing, I agreed that I would not go.

I was quite nervous because I knew the male would be angry again. The next day in school I said it to the male and he said I have to go. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want.”

“No,” I said, “[his name] I’m not going.” He explained that I have only 3 more classes before Christmas and I can see how I feel then. I still rejected, my mind was set, and I couldn’t let these classes go on anymore. I said no, I’m not doing it. He said we should talk about it later. So I had a few classes. Remembering what my biological mother had told me, I was to inform the male (who I will now call Brown Male) to call her so a parent could deepen my reject towards the classes.

Later, I said, “Brown Male, I’m not going… it’s as simple and clear as the sky, it’s also as serious.”

Before the deadline of when my biological mother would be in work, I had to get Brown Male to call her. So I came to him. He showed me that he was just about to start class. I told him to call my mother if he wants to persist about me going, because I had nothing more to say.

“Brown Male, I have nothing more to say to you about this. Call my mother now if you want to talk more about it.”

I’m taller than Brown Male.

“I’m starting class…” He said.

“My mother goes to work soon, call her now or you will miss her.”

“I have class…”

“That’s not my problem.”

He got angry and said once again I was going, and then told me to leave. I couldn’t understand what was so bad about leaving. Many other students who were also not uninterested had left. Not only that, I was the only one who did not miss any of the classes, so I knew the place more than any of them, giving me more right to say I didn’t like it. But no, other students were aloud to leave. Ones from my school and from others. But not me… the pressure was on me.

I called my mother and had a long conversation about it. So I tried to do my maths class which I had disturbed with my phone calls. I couldn’t concentrate and I was not doing the math problems right.

(-5, 1) , (1,0)

y-y1
X2 - x1

0 -1
1 - -1 = -1
6

y-y1 = M (x - x1)

.y -1 = 1/6 (x- - 5)

And then I could do no more.

The class passed fast which I was glad about. I headed upstairs to write my resigning email to the project and the female who runs it. The internet was not working and I had forgotten my address book with her email. So I went back down. On my way down, the Blonde Female approached me and led me into her office. She asked me what the deal was. I informed her of my feelings. She was disappointed. She said she knows I’m a great student, doing well in all subjects and even weekend language classes. She said this was a black mark on my record.

So I rephrased it in my head and said it to her.

“Actually, Blonde Female, I see it as a bad apple within many, many fresh ones.”

It upset her and she walked away. As she did, I re-stated, “I’m not going.”

My head was hurting and I was stressed, so I went to the study room with a soft couch and played these songs: Ripples & Years

Then I got a phone call from my mother saying she talked to Blonde Female. I was both glad and disappointed. The matter was continued but somewhat zipped up with word from a parent. I felt like I hadn’t solved it myself, though. After a good talk, my mother relaxed me. I actually dislike my mother very much, but her continued support of me made her love her a bit again. I hung up and rested for a while before the next class. Someone asked me to get Blonde Female because she had a call from a dark woman. I called to Blonde Female and she mentioned my mother’s phone call. I ignored her and told her that the call was waiting from a dark woman that used to visit the school. I then avoided Brown Male and Blonde Female for the whole day.
I did very well in History, but Brown Male was teaching me. It didn’t bother me too much because I was happy other things were behind me. I did miles better than maths. After, I was given a lecture about where my life was headed. Given by none other than Brown Male and Blonde Female, both at the same time. While me, Red Male, standing there taking it. They repeated the same things to me about how I lost out on a good chance.

I told them over and over.

“It didn’t interest me.”

I also stated some things that I was good at and I don’t need these classes to help me through life. They ignored it and said they know more about it than I do. Which, if you think carefully, means they were saying they know more about where my life is headed than I do.

They are wrong.

I left and went home, playing the same songs again. I had a depressed expression. So I turned on some rock music and it turned to anger. I walked home fast and with an angry expression. When I got home, the door was locked but Male P let me in. He is doing up the kitchen. I relaxed for a while and explained what had happened to my mother. She explained it to my sister, saving me the trouble. My sister supported me again and watched me play some video games, which I was very happy with because I’m good at the certain video game I was playing.

My room was clean because I had cleaned it on Monday. My hair was, and still is puffy because when it’s washed it goes like that. I don’t like the look but it feels very nice because I have lots of hair. I ate a muffin that I was supposed to give to the Blonde Female. I decided not to give it to her now.

"React differently, and you're cheeky."

Hello Kitty, move it!

2007-10-22T15:37:00.000+01:00

Red lines on a black canvas. They tell me the time so I may leave their room.

"Drink plenty of water..."

I looked up at my Japanese teacher and she told the class that for the next two weeks there would be no Japanese classes. I was very happy because I am falling behind in Japanese and these two weeks will give me a chance to learn all of the Katakana and go over it and then give me even more time to learn the first chapter of Hiragana.

I started to feel less will to go to Japanese classes, but when I get there... it is better and more interesting than the last time. We played Japanese bingo and I won. I few other students were aloud to pick out prises. Most picked out the Chop-Sticks. I picked them out too. They had my sister's favourite character on them; Hello Kitty. I still have not used them but I plan to.

School, school, school. I'm quite annoyed at myself for never writing about anything else. This is my personal Blog, written in an abstract way with no names, place names or identification of who I am... but to get to this Blog the reader must know me in some small way. I choose to keep the style of this Blog intact. But I will now write other things than school. Maybe in my next post.

In Physical Education we did Spinning. The instructor was male and had blue tattoos down his shoulders leading to his arms. I like the tattoos as they had some corruption power theme that was on his arm. I like that kind of stuff. I didn't notice that until about halfway through the training. The training its self was very hard. I could see my reflection in the giant mirror. My hair was hanging loose and bobbing every time I peddled. My legs started to hurt very much when we had to stand and cycle.

"Move it" He shouted over and over again. He was very loud because not only did he want to get our attention but he was also trying to overthrow the blasting, horrible, receptive workout music that looped in the background. And if it didn't loop, it calmed at the wrong times. "Move it!" He kept saying.

Move what? Our legs? Maybe he wanted me to peddle so hard I would break the cycling machine and truly move myself around the room like a bicycle. Maybe he just liked to say, "Move it!" so he could see the girls move their figures more. Or perhaps he has is just used to saying it. Whatever way you slice it... we had to go faster and keep turning the level of the cycling machine up. It got very hard and most stopped. I slowed down but I didn't stop.
The male behind me was asked to leave for causing trouble.

Eventually we were aloud stop and do some exercises. A whole 120 minutes of pure cycling requires some stretching. After that we left. I was sweating intensely and very tired so I asked for a car drive to my house from my male English, Entrepreneurship and History teacher who is also the first in command of the entire school and is trying to set up the school website.

"... the seas are overflowing."

Competition

2007-10-08T17:34:00.000+01:00

Nothing stops for us. Time is not here, it's people that are harsh.

"People encourage each other to be confident..."

The weeks have been moving forward like a horse. I am merely tied onto a string and being dragged with the happenings of the world. At each turn, stone or bump, I will take damage. I will take damage until I fall off. And that, my readers... will be a new experiment.

It was my first time going to my Japanese classes on my own. I usually had a certain female pick me up to take me there. I was instructed to get the 77 bus, which is a route I am quite familiar with. Even though, I often ask people where to go. I rely on others people's skill of travel to save me from my lack of intelligence in that area. All my life I've lived in generally the same place yet I still manage not to know most of it. I'm the kind of local you should not ask directions. I will stutter and worry. So I got the 77 and made it to a familiar place in my area. It was here I stayed at the wrong bus stop. I asked a woman where I should go to get the 7 bus. She said just around the corner. People often give me an alien stare when I ask them for directions such as these, but reply in a coy way as if to mirror what I present myself like. I had my £100 shades on and I looked nice. I also had this certain expression of intelligence and anger, scented with mystery. I guess that's where the alien stare comes from. Also, I am six foot four, which adds to my brighter shade in a crowd of dark.

I missed my 7 bus. Missed it badly. So I waited for another 7 and realised the fare was over what I had expected to pay. The driver had dark skin and spoke with a strong accent. When he started driving, I was uneasy as I did not have the rest of the money for the journey. I did have a £5 note but I needed than and it was not coins. So I froze up. I thought of asking him to let me out but the route was in the main city and it's dangerous to do anything out of ordinary. So I asked him could I just take the ticket. He looked angry and said if an inspector comes on I will be in trouble. I agreed immediately as I am used to trouble. And in a way... trouble is a more comfortable situation that that one. So I took my ticket and sat down. But my uneasiness grew. After a few stops, I got off too soon. I asked around again where could I find the school. An old woman told me it was a half hour walk away. I was already thirty minutes late so I got yet another bus with change I received from a nice man in exchange for my £5. The bus driver said I didn't need to get on the bus because the school was only a little bit away but he didn't know how late I was... so I said nothing.

I got off at my stop and arrived 40 minutes late. In the class I realised the thumb on my left hand was bleeding a lot. I don't know why it was and I really didn't care. I liked the boy who sat behind me because he was shy and I like shy people. It makes me feel less expected to say things. I took my sunglasses off and did my school work. It was hard because I didn't study and I was late which made me miss a test.

It was easy getting home because I met my biological sister and mother in town. I had to use the last of my money to buy some food. I chatted to a nice old man whose name started with M. He assumed I was Polish because of my pale skin, height, stride and my lack of accent. But I assured him I was from where he was. I met up with my family, spent some time in town and then went home. I guess I learned more about the route to my school and won't make the same mistake again. I will also get up earlier and bring more money.

Physical Education was on again today. This time we did circuit training. We used many of the machines and it was quite fun. The dance music was very annoying, however. The trainers kept telling me I was doing very good. I like when people tell me I do good.

In my mind, everything is simply competition. Every living and non-living thing in this world competes with one, or many other things. Education is an organised war ground. It is to find out who is better than who. In the end, everyone leaves... but only a few with great grades. Some with good, many with average and some with bad. This narrows down the useful and the useless. Atoms compete with each other and so do chemicals. Animals, weather and plants. Everything is a competition. With my state of mind thinking this, I am very happy when I hear someone getting bad grades (unless it's a friend) because I see less competition and less competition is easier. When I see great artists and video game designers I admire them. I don't envy them, but in a way I am sad there is such strong competition. So many greatly skilled people with many animations, movies and music on the Internet. Their skill is very good and I enjoy it very much... but only half of me enjoys it... the other half worries about how much of a competition they are and reminds me there is much more of it. As for why I hate it when friends get bad grades or lose. Well, in a way they are competition too. But not directly. And if they are my friends, it means we are connected in some small way like atoms. If they lose... that is bad. But if they win, it shows I have good attachments (friends, atoms... all the same) and it hints I have more of a chance of winning as long as I mix with the right people or similar people. Because similar people are sort of in a truce, a group. And if a group wins... I am on the winning group.

The thing now is... will I win or lose against all the competition that I will face in life? I hope I win... I hope I win... I really hope I win.

"... but I think we have enough competition."

Half Life

2007-09-30T02:17:00.000+01:00

See that light. Get up, get in, go away.

Rules are not made to be broken...

Writing in Japanese is a very pleasant thing to me. I find myself calmed by it very strongly. Just writing my name over and over again is enough to make me feel quite relaxed. I hope when I learn more and possibly start writing poems in it.

I don't like writing poems on keyboards, typewriters or pen, marker, pencil or any other thing for that matter. But my Japanese classes are opening up more writing and I truly feel that in Japanese writing, it will probably be the only time I feel free to express poetry, even though I am not that much interested in it. I think it's the more brush way of writing that attracts me. It was only up till one hundred years ago that Japanese only used paint brushes. Calligraphy writing, in a step-back outlook, is rather new to the Japanese writing.

I like life. I hate saying it but I do. I have times when I wish all life would just end, but then I could never hear a great piano song play, never feel a hug from my sister, never write a word in Japanese, never feel the rain drop on my face. I only appreciate life when I realise what I'll miss if I were to die, or if all life were to die. Eventually, all life will die.

Oxygen gives us life and it is how we survive. When packages or food is air tight, or within a bog, they never rot. Any form of life or energy will not rot if there is no oxygen. That's why things in space don't disintegrate. So I conclude that without oxygen, humans will die. With oxygen, humans will die a lot slower. On one side we can't live without breathing it in, and on the another side we would be forever preserved like an apple in space without it. Some question that germs would take over the rotting process but germs are life forms too. They also stay idle and in a half life... preserved if there is no oxygen.

I was in a public toilet today. It was in a fast food restaurant which I hate, but I needed to use the toilet. My biological sister used the female toilets. The hand-dryer was strange. It instructed me to place my hands within two holes, wait until the air automatically started, and then slowly remove my hands and repeat the process. The air was very hot but I liked the feeling because the wind was strong and wind is my favourite element.

I find the crossing between awake and asleep strange when the sense of sound is active. I get it in my school classes sometimes. It is when one is awake in body for the most part and then when ones mind drifts into a half sleep. If there is much sound, one will hear it being distorted. If I or one are to awaken again during this cross over, the sound retracts from distortion and is a rather unpleasant thing to experience. It also sends a strange feeling to my stomach which I do not know if anybody else feels. My stomach feels like a dirty tank full of water, and then when I awake fully, someone is plunging at it.

An inspector on my bus ride home with my sister was breaking every rule. He was standing across the white line, talking to the bus driver, distracting him, and laying his jacket in the window. There was a sign near him telling people not to do any of that. Is that right? I sometimes step over the white line because I don't pay attention or I don't care at the moment. But for an inspector to break his own rules. I don't think that is a very good example. Then again, I don't think war on the news is a very good example. That, along with religion.

... they are made because they have been.

Experiment #1

2007-09-22T14:59:00.000+01:00

The sound calls to me many times. I silence it for the forth time before I awake.

Time is not real...

I love the feeling of grabbing my bag (which I hold like a suitcase) and then leaving my house into the outside world. The fresh air hits me and I am a figure ready to march forward to another series of hours in which I learn some things. But school doesn't work as well as people imagine. The things we know best are the things we haven't been taught. And this applies to me greatly. I know many things far, far better than any twelve years of school could teach me. I understand shading, frames, fighting, music, computers, video games and Style. All of that list is something school could never teach me better than myself. I actually know more about computers than my male computer teacher and I can create stories, where as my male English teacher can't... he admits to having no skill in creating stories. So, who should be teaching who? I wonder...

The female leader of the school had contacted me many times in updates of the situation regarding me learning another language. I requested this because I just want to learn another language. I'm not very keen on learning Irish because I am forced to do it and it sounds quite plain. I would rather learn a more interesting language. But through this request, I will have to learn both. I also have school on Saturdays now, too. So my weekend is shorter. I felt kind of sad when I found this out, but then it just escaped my mind and I do not care anymore. This was an experiment. Could my existence really be strong enough for me to be the first one in the entire school to learn a language that is out of the norm? Is my existence strong enough to be able to go to these classes when it is so much trouble for the school to organise it?

Emails were shared, phone calls were made, money was spent and times were organised into a pipeline of other people heading on the same track as me. I was granted the opportunity to learn Japanese in a two year course for the leaving cert. I would every Saturday for the next two years, excluding national holidays or unexpected turn of events. My experiment had worked. I had to ask for this last year, so my existence, although needing a whole year of time for it to come to effect, was true to result.

I went to the class today. The female leader of the school picked me up in her car. We shared greetings and I put my prepared bag into the car and then got inside. Fastening my seat belt, I ignored the weather as my mind was too inversely active. The female driver talked to me. I know her two years now. The conversation was about what I was going to do. I talked back but I didn't really want to. She mentioned how nice the day was and I agreed, even though I don't think any day is nice or not nice. I looked outside the window with my head rested on my arm and cycled through my thoughts and kept up with the conversation with the female. When we arrived, she came with me and we talked about the buses of how I would get back as she is not picking me up. I knew which bus to get and I had money so I was okay.

I entered the class. I was full of energy because I didn't stay up too late and had a good breakfast. I was about to have coffee but the female driver arrived so I left it. The class was of about twenty-five people and mainly girls. I sat at the closest desk/seat (they're attached), at the front in the middle. I talked to a few people around me and then the Japanese teacher who teaches Japanese came in. Her accent was strong and missed a few words but I got used to it and was able to understand her. The rest is the lesson which I will not repeat, as this is not for the reader to learn anything they teach in organised schools.

When we were done I headed out and enjoyed the heat from the sun. It gleamed through the trees and created nice patterned shadows. There were clean reflections on the cars. I headed for the main exit from the school but I saw the female driver I know for two years again. I headed to her car and got in, I could figure out that she was picking me up because there would be no other reason for her being there. She explained that she was in the area and that if I had gotten the 18 bus, it would send me the wrong way and she didn't want that. The trip home was shorter and I liked the speed on the M50. Sometimes I would look at the female driver as she spoke to me and see the sun pierce through her almost-white, blondish hair. I put my sunglasses on and sat up straight. When she made it to my house, we talked for a bit more and ti hen I left. I was hungry because I didn't get to eat during my 10 and five minute breaks of all the three hours of class.

So I ate... and thought to myself. That's one down. My existence is worthy of this much change in the world. Although very small, it is still big to a small group of people. The experiment wasn't a success as not all experiments are to get to a goal, sometimes they are only to find something out. Like testing for cancer, whether or not one wants to find no cancer cells does not change the fact that that is not what the person was searching for. My experiment was to see how I could get something to happen around me, send me somewhere unusual and then effect or take part in the activities in that area. I did, and even if I didn't... that would tell me something.

This may seem very small to readers, but never take the reactions, counter reactions and generally how the world reacts to your movement, or lack of movement, for granted. The way in which each and everyone of us humans can greatly effect matter and life around us not common sense, it is a gift of which most scan over.

... which is why it is unknowingly intimate.

.unq

2007-09-18T18:32:00.000+01:00

Temperature changes everything...

The awake world needs not even call to me. I slip into reality and I am awake before I know myself.

The dreams do not stop. I know that we dream every night and that it is only when we remember it that we say we've had a dream, but I seem to be remembering every dream. They won't leave me alone. They can't even be called dreams. I imagine only nightmares.

The material on my bag is quite sore when being held with a lot of items inside. It is heavy and it irritates and hurts the skin. The days are growing colder and colder. A lot of people complain about this. I could too... but I don't. It's not that I like the cold, I just don't piratically dislike it. Sure, it's not nice being quite cold but the same could be said for very warm. The cold winds are twisting and dancing on my skin every time I leave for school. It takes about twenty to twenty five minutes to make it there depending on what I do.

Here are a few things that slow my journey.

Stopping to buy a drink
Talking to someone on the way
Talking to my biological sister before I leave
Closing my eyes and listening to all that is around me
Being attacked

Walking slowly due to:

a heavy bag
lack of sleep
being attacked

And here is a list of things that hasten my journey to school.

Wind travels in favour of my direction
Very little school items to carry
A good mood
I read a clock that is fast
Being full of energy
A large breakfast
Few pedestrians
When I'm looking forward to a subject
Listening to music

Word has spread through my school that I like to create literature projects. Due to that, some people have questioned me about it. In particular, one girl who is interested in reading it. I gave her part one of Princess Gold that I printed on the school Laser-Jet printer. My male computer teacher instructed me never to print as much writing as I did. I was confused because I don't think Laser-Jet printers use ink, rather... they burn the images or writing on the paper similar to photo-copiers but more advanced. However, I may be wrong so I assume I am since the computer teacher told me not to and he would know more about computers than me... seemingly. He knows more about the program Microsoft Word but I often out-smart him when it comes to generally interacting with the computers and I know many more file extension than he does.

In our spare art classes (the art teacher was sick, like me) we were told to study or do something constructive. So I read The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night-Time by Mark Haddon. It is the book we are reading this year but I read it when I was a lot younger and knew most of the start. But I forget most of the book so it keeps me somewhat interested in reading it again. At the corner of my view I could see that girl who wanted to read my work.

The male teacher called and asked what was she doing. She replied, "Reading Robert's book." It caused some chatter in the class. Some people who didn't know I write then knew at that moment that I did in fact write. And the girl reading my work was proof. She was reading part one which is a rather boring part. I gave her the second part after she was done but the next day she said she had thought it was the first part, left it in the room and now it is lost. I didn't mind too much, but I did want to see what she thought of some of the bests scenes. None of the best scenes are in the first part. I can print the second part again but the computer teacher told me not to. I don't always do as I am told so I might just print it again anyway. It's only the first part, not the whole book like last time.

There are many extensions on files on a computer and across the web. Most are known as .gif, .jpeg, .wps, .properties, .wmp, .wav and .wmp. But there are also Internet uses like .co.nr, .com and .net. Dot-com originally meant commercial for commercial websites but it has been adopted as the Internet's most used server extension even when it is not a commercial site. There is .biz and for businesses but most businesses still use dot-com because they are comfortable with that. I wonder what it would be like if all sites used extensions correctly. Maybe Blogs would be .blg and profiles sites would be .per for personal. There would be more to remember but you could tell what site was generally for just by its extension and it would make the Internet cleaner. Not easier to remember but much more organised and easier to find what you're looking for. If people had extensions it would be funny.

For males it would be Jack Winter.mle
And for girls it would be Cindy Summers.fle

And if they'd have a status too.

James Sunderland.wrk because he is working
Amy.stu because she is a student
Mark Shrote.rti because he is retired
Zara Hunt.dec because she is dead.

And it would be in with the male and female. So it could turn out like.

Shauna Hunt.fle.stu
or
Fletcher Marks.mle.wrk

It would be a funny thing but it could also tell people a lot about each other just by their name. And if you're dead it just has .mle/fle.dec because you can't work, be a student or retire when you're dead. And if you're unemployed it just has .mle/fle.

Last time I did basketball I had gathered a lot of fatigue. This time I did too but my muscles only feel half as sore as last time. I went home a different route that day. It was one through a lot of construction but I think I got home faster. I only went that way because I was away from where I usually head home from school at. I was at the gym where we do Physical Education.

...except for how people complain about it.

Isabella

2007-09-12T22:38:00.000+01:00

A dream, where I encounter many large objects and unworldly powers. Maybe I feel I'm too weak and too unique. The dream breaks to the sound of an alarm.

Our eyes never lie...

Nothing interesting happened yesterday; except for the fact that learned animation can get quite hard when one is too dig deep enough into professional animations. But, today was a day with more happenings.

I was to be reviewed myself. I often review things in my mind and on my other Blog, but I'm not used to being judged professionally. What I am used to, though, is being judged by common evils that lurk in my area and immediately think they know me. What fools they are. Out of all people in this world, for them to think they understand... they picked one of the worst.

But now, today, I was reviewed professionally, as were all of my fellow students of their previous year's work. Our results for last year's test. Was I excited? Absolutely not. I had no anticipation or excitement. I hardly even took interest in how I might have done. Instead of average classes, we were given a lesson on studying. This was a two hour long lesson and by a person we did not know. I like new people because I don't know them enough to realise they are just another human. So new people are so much more interesting and I wish to never get to know them.

This male, who did not introduce himself, was someone I liked. He had a strong London accent and clearly stated it in a joke at the start of the lesson. Once the lesson was over, we left our class and were handed our results. In my hand, a white envelope that was once sealed by another person. That person will never know who I am, as I they only know my name and my student number; those two things say nothing about a person. My number, out of many, is six; seven, three; zero, zero; zero. Another way to say it is sixty-seven thousand, three hundred.

Strangely, I found my anticipation only active at the moment when I started to open it. Halfway through cutting the envelope, I decided to put in my bag and not look. I didn't want to care too much. Then I saw others looking at their results. I didn't wait to see if they were happy or what their scores were because I don't find them interesting. So, I opened the envelope in my results and pulled out the sheet of paper. It was folded but I could see small writing under it because there was enough light for it to pass through the paper to my eyes. When I unfolded the page it was all in a different language so I looked for the smaller text, which is my language. It simply stated who I was with my name and student number. Then it graded me.

I did ordinary level for all subjects apart from language and C.S.P.E. I scored, what one might say, very well. All my subjects were honours and I failed nothing.

This was when I had two deep emotions. To my surprise, I scored an A in religion, even though I am an atheist and greatly expressed my views in it. It is possible I scored high because the person rating it had the same opinions as me.

To my tremendous horror, I scored a C in art. I was expecting a B or an A. I put a lot of effort in my art and was one of the subjects where I worked late after school for. I practiced a lot at home, too. But in the end, it doesn't matter if was my life's work, it's all reviewed by someone. And this person, for whatever professional or personal reason, decided my work was C average. I don't like it when I am average in the things I like. And for an A to be given to something I am against, it felt like my efforts had shifted behind my back. I also scored a C average in science. I don't care much for science except for physics, which I talk about a lot. Everything else were B and A.

But results are not what I care about. I couldn't keep back a smile. But smile only grew because I was laughing at myself for smiling at such useless stuff in the first place. At least, I hope (or lie) that it was. What I really want to see are my papers. I want to see the work I have done. I want my art back. I want my writing back. I want to look at my past self and see what I have created. I want to see my history paper and see what's so great about it that it deserves an A mark which is 90-100%.

But I can't get that stuff until later, so heading home was the only thing I could do.

My friends wanted to celebrate by going out, so I did. We had a pretty good time apart from me acting as a bank. Heading home was the hard part. Late Junior Cert nights are quite dangerous. My area is dangerous enough as it is. So, I got a Taxi home, courtesy of my biological mother. I brought two posters back.

And the other one I have not stuck up on my wall yet. I will not question why people hang posters up. But I like this one. It was the only large one that spoke to me. So, I bought it. And now it hangs over my bed. She stares at me as I type this very moment. She will stare at me for years to come as I sit here at my computer, sleep in my bed, do my homework and all other things of my life that I do in my room. She will see the sad, happy, evil, exciting, sexual, violent and comical times all through the rest of my life in this room. But she will not move, she will stay frozen in that pose and just observe silently. I hope we get along and that the aura of this poster is good, not evil. I will name her... Isabella. It's my favourite name in the whole world. I think she likes it too.

...they are the windows to our souls.

Fatigue

2007-09-10T21:55:00.000+01:00

I awake again in this world. I never remember myself falling asleep.

I do things I don't want to do...

I'm back to learning again. A new week born and the previous dead. I did P.E today. This was to get me fit and possibly get good at a basketball, which I am not too bad at as of now, anyway. The P.E class was for the last two classes of school. We had to travel to the location with the facilities to occupy such events. It was the first time I've been to that particular place. I passed through it with one of my enemies. A person that I do not like.

The hall was big. Quite big. It was orange-brown with two basketball hoops on each end and cheap football goals placed underneath each one. Our couch was a male person from the area. After talking a bit to us about how he will not accept trouble, he began to hand out basketballs and footballs. I took hold of a basketball and began to dribble in practice with a few other female students. I asked myself: Why do we do this? Sport. And why does it usually focus on a ball? I didn't even want to search my mind for the answer as I already could tell that it would just decrease my respect for my species. So it was time to experiment on my body. My existence has effect over the objects around me, I can throw the ball. These things are simple and uninteresting so, as a human, I take them for granted.

We started a match. Competition. I don't think competition is a theme of my life but I might be wrong. Rather, I think, competition is a theme of all life. Even my birth was a competition between many sperm. I'm sure back in primitive times when cave-men fought cave-men for whatever reason (as well as other animals), whoever my great, great, great (etc…) ancestors were, they won many competitions of life & death, mating, food and land. As humans evolved (or adapted like viruses do), the competition did not disappear, it simply changed theme. People then fought for mainly land, but glory and power. Castle Vs Castle. And so on and so forth until I was born and continuing to this very day and the day I post this where at this morning, I was in competition with people, just like in the past.

For the first half of the match, I gave it my all and scored a hoop. I managed to block many enemy attempts (focusing on the person I do not like) of scoring a hoop. We did not keep track of scores but I did in my head. I realised I over-exerted myself and began to gather fatigue. My performance was less effective and I wasn't running as much. To compensate for my mistake, I took a role that everyone had been forgetting, defence. I entered the middle of the hall and stead either there, or more to my hoop. The hoop I had to protect from the enemy. This gave me more to time to rest. I did have to get back to the game whenever enemies came but I didn't have to worry about scoring. After a lot of play, the enemy had scored four hoops in total. My team, including a hoop from me, scored five. Nobody remembered and didn't mention anything about winning or losing. I don't think they cared very much.

We moved onto football but I said I was too tired. Then I accepted to be the goal keeper. The protector of the net and the only one, except for the enemy's goal keeper, to legally touch the ball with their hands. The privilege to do this is balanced with the restriction of space. I goal keeper is not aloud to leave a certain area chained to the goal its self. Well, that is not all true. The goal keeper may leave, but it is not wise as the goal is open to attack and their privileges of touching the ball with both hands and feet are stripped. I didn't keep accurate track of these scores but I am confident that we won as it was obvious we had scored a lot of goals in both halves. The reason for this was because the enemy goal keeper was very bad. This goal keeper was not like me. She was female and small. She also was very afraid to touch the ball and let it enter even when great opportunity to grab it arose.

Most of the players and school are female. Three of them sat down on the side of the hall and did nothing. One of my life's themes is certainly female. I am around women all the time. Just today in lunch I was sitting with twelve females and no other males. The males tend not to eat at the dinner table, if at all. I don't really mind sitting with many females as feel comfortable around the gender that I grew up with. When the males come in, they sit with me because I am male too. This is when I don't feel comfortable. I don't have any problems with some of the males, but others are very strange. They shout a lot and say bad words. I curse sometimes too but they say it so... unhindered and fluently like it is natural talk. They also speak of bad things and have little respect for their own presentation. But when I meet a nice male, I feel very comfortable.

When I was tired playing basketball, I stopped and grabbed my neck. I could feel the blood pump violently through my body. I might be strong and reasonably healthy, but I have little stamina. When it was time to leave I put my sunglasses back on and took my bag. I didn't go back to the school. I walked from the gym to my house. It was a long walk under the sun but I think I half enjoyed it. I would have fully enjoyed it if I wasn't so out of energy. I collapsed on my bed when I made it home. I thought back to when I was tired and couldn't play effectively. It's a horrible thing to feel your own body be ineffective even when you try your hardest. I fell asleep for a an hour but my sister's voice woke me up.

... mainly because I'm not sure what I want to do.

A False Start

2007-09-07T23:58:00.000+01:00

When are we born...?

Another morning to awake. However, time distorted. Late for my learning in school. I hate being late... so I rushed out of my sleeping bed (as there are beds for other things) and stumbled around. My phone either told lies, or showed that my alarm clock told lies. I checked the TV. It was my alarm clock that told lies. I slept again... in clothes and shoes.

A dream, a few months old, I saw the location again. It was a random moment in a random dream that seemed unimportant. But it returned in my dream. It must mean something. Then it was really time to awaken.

It's strange how much I care about myself. I could be called narcissistic. But, that's not quite the word. I rarely think about myself. I only do when I'm with no one I know, but in public. At home or with friends I forget half of myself and focus on other people. The little things they do. But when walking to school on my own with shades of the sun beeping with a lens flare style shine in my eyes, I think about myself. Are people looking at me? Yeah, I stand out so much... it's not paranoia really... I don't tell many lies, I'd admit to paranoia. No, I do get looked at a lot around here... I have scars to prove that it is not paranoia.

I don't even think about myself in waiting rooms. I think about the past while I wait. When I sleep, I think about both past and future and how both are going to connect in small ways. But time does not exist.

Time is just an invention to keep humans organised. Without time, we cannot function. Without this invention, we are unorganised creatures and our entire world would collapse in confusion. So, I don't discard time as a bad idea, but I just don't like the way it shows how dependant humans are on false things like religion. Time does not go forward. After all, when I'm waiting, things go slow. If I do things I like, it goes fast. Who is to say that time was going second by second for me? It wasn't. Which is why our most human behaviours show that time is an invention which can be shaken.

I took this picture. I don't remember what I was thinking or doing at the time. I'm sure one thought was, "I can use this in my Blog." But everything is caused by something else. I wonder what caused me to capture this lone sign on camera. What does it mean? We see signs everywhere and think we know what they mean because people have told us. And it's true what they say, the signs mean what people say as fact. But what do they mean to us individually and how does it effect how we react to the sign?

Some people see a stop sign as a common thing. Other people notice it as a dominant sign above other because it doesn't advise, tell or show you anything. It just commands. It commands you to stop, in red. The green sign above me seems to be saying drop before you exit if I look at it in a child's mind. In my own mind, I still can't see how I take it.

There is a female in my class that I am always looking at. No, not in a sexual way or a friend way. In fact, I dislike this girl because she dislikes me. Was that I lie? Do I dislike her? Is she lying? No matter how many times this female is mean to me, I feel sad for the moment yes, but a day later I am compelled to talk to her. Maybe we share the same star sign. I believe in star signs and things like that because they were created by the most intelligent people of all time, the Egyptians. They knew so much about the stars than we can't even match today with our technology. They were truly intelligent people. But they were heartless.

Anyway, I do believe that your sign can effect who you are. I don't believe in the magazine things that all people can relate to. If you read them all, you can find a lot of broad things that are made to seem just for you by using words that one would use when talking to a single person and not magazine words which are made for lots of people. One said that I have two years of concentration ahead of me.

I could think that it was right because I do have two years of secondary school left. But that's still very foolish. When are we not concentrating in life? All my years will be spent concentrating on something. So two years makes it seem like they're smarter, when they just added two years for the random sake of it. To think about it, a lot of people have two years of concentration. Even people leaving school this year will concentrate. One year for their final exam and then another for college or a job. So the magazine is false. It's lying. I hate liars.

My sister was born in between a strange date. I remember she explained it to me but I forget it now. I always remember details like that unless they are of people I know. I don't know why that is. Anyway, with the strange date she was born on at midnight, something about a skip in dates made her birthday fine, but her star sign in two. So she is two things.

She suffers from a lot of health problems but is blessed with intelligence and good looks. Is this the split? And she is not right handed or left. She uses both just as equally, but she does not have much balance in physical terms. Is this also the balance? She prefers base sounds in her right ear, so would this means he is more left handed like her mother? I find this person interesting.

Writing like this might make me seem like a shy silent person who thinks deeply. I really am not. If you read this by me and nothing else by me, I'm sure that is the impression you are to have of me. But the core of people's minds are always like this. Well, we're all different but when in deep thought, all these things come out.

I finished a week of school but missed the first day. Did I finish a week? Not really, I finished 4/5 of a week. Yet I'm still granted my two day weekend. Is this fair? I don't know. I have my weekend now. I think back at what I've done in school this week and it seems like a lot. But compared to the entire world filled with billions of people, I haven't even made a sand grain of difference through all of my actions and neither have the people I interacted with. We are insignificant... or are we?

This is not the end of the week. This was a warm up. My life is changing constantly. I feel old even though I'm still young. I feel like my life will fade away so fast like montage. I don't think life will be long enough for me. But like I said, just because it's the end of the week, doesn't mean it's the end of everything. But this week is going to die soon. Will anyone remember it unless something important falls on it? Probably not. It's just a bunch of numbers and codes dated like this blog. No one will notice this small, insignificant week. It will die and be forgotten.

Unless you remember these words. Then you will remember the week you read this. You will keep this lonely week in your memory, keeping its life alive for a while longer like a candle in a dark room. You're this weeks saviour, if you remember it.

Where did my life begin? When I was born, conceived? Many would say so since that is what most people see as life. But because everything is so insignificant like this week, life is only life in other people's eyes when it is marked or known to them. Has my life even started yet? I think it has. But every important year to me feels like I'm reborn. Maybe this week back to school is a start of something. Not my life, but a paragraph of my life. Or maybe this is just another false start.

...when we live.

Jealousy

2007-09-05T17:08:00.000+01:00

There is one sound to explain me...

Jealousy is one of the most dangerous emotions. It can cause wars and death faster than any rage. Jealousy fills people's hearts immediately, making them feel low while wanting to tear down something better. It helps no one; not themselves, not the person they are jealous of and not anyone around them.

I truly hate jealousy. We've all felt it, acted on it and made some bad decisions. But as one were to mature, hopefully they awake and learn to appreciate themselves, their life and not envy those who are around them. Admiration is fine, but it can soon turn to that dangerous emotion.

My whole life has a few themes. It would be cocky of me to assume that I know what they all are but I do know one for sure. Jealousy is defiantly a theme of my existence. Being born into a world either handsome, ugly, pretty or stunning, it does not matter. All of it causes problems in different ways. I suffer from jealousy. No, I don't envy anyone, I am fine with who I am. Many people are jealous of me.

My speculations are around my looks but I also suspect jealousy of intelligence. Just today a female in my class said, "You're full of many facts, just full of them. We should call you google." It was from a conversation I had with my female teacher. She had noticed two students in the back of the classroom sharing earphones which were connected to an audio device that I did not see.

The male had the right earphone, left of my opposite direction. The female, obviously, had the left one. However, sitting shoulder-to shoulder would cause these to be in the wrong ear, assuming they were the right way around. Maybe not, it was possible, which I just realise now, that the earphones could have been turned around to fit neatly in their ears. I'm going to go on that hypothesis as most people want comfort, not the art of music which their music had little of.

After I sorted that out in my mind in less than two seconds, I started to explain to my teacher a random fact about what they were doing and how it could effect the experience of whatever song they were listening to. The male, riding on my hypothesis of direction, was listening to the left earphone and the female visa-versa.

Most humans are right handed and all humans like to balance. Things are always trying to balance themselves, just like every atom in the universe. Base is almost always in the left direction because most people are right handed, and to even it out most like to hear base in their left direction while hearing the rest of the music on their right. Now, it is not fact that this is for balance, that is just my hypothesis.

I began my explanation of music to the female teacher that almost all music will have deeper sound and base in the left direction of an earphone/surround sound system. This is just my theory; but it is fact that the general population of the world prefer base on their left direction.

In the situation in my class, that would mean the male was possibly getting all the harder beats of the song (if any) and the female was receiving the lighter, faster and more computerized sounds of the song (if any). I didn't mention this bit to the teacher: That was likely why the male was bobbing his head in tune with the beats and the female was sketching quicker.

After explaining that to the teacher in a much more basic and socially acceptable way, that is when the first female I mentioned at the start, called to me and admired my knowledge of useful facts. I don't think I am full of facts like that, I think I remember them and tell others.

This adds to my character and who I am which makes a lot of people despise me from jealousy. Their tactic of revenge to bring me down in some way is not to directly attack me (physically or mentally), but to create social situations based on an result that is either going to make me seem unintelligent, scared or not used to social situations. I know of this common occurrence as I have endured it my whole life. The way I deal with these attempts to bring me down is not to change. I stay true to my personality which is cocky, sarcastic, knowledgeable and caring. If I respond by playing along with whatever conversation of bullying they have, they feel they have caught me in their web. They try to bite me by saying something a bit more direct, usually a question that is plainly obvious, so if I answer interested or caring, it will seem like I am either easily amused or stupid for not seeing how obvious the question is and failing to act surprised; where as even if I do act surprised, they will turn again by pretending I have offended them so they can slip into a direct verbal attack against me.

I avoid all of that by turning the tables as follows: Answering the question with an honest answer but in a tone of guiding them like a baby because I see how much they don't know for asking such an obvious question, or, doing the same thing without tone and not caring for what they think after. Because they have failed in bringing me down. What they don't know is that I am strong against that and I show in my expression. There always has to be a third party around to witness this otherwise the social attacker/bully's plot is useless. By the attacker and third party seeing my expression of relaxation, no caring and a hint of cockiness, they can see I am not affected. This means I have won, if there is such a way of winning a conversation.

Jealousy. To me, it's a war everywhere that just doesn't show up on the news. Hundreds of people destroy their minds by envying many people and lots more suffer from those people. It's the war of socialites and can lead to crime. I dislike jealousy very much.

White noise.

Shinkai

2007-09-03T12:38:00.000+01:00

A post too early. Unexpected, unanticipated... bad luck.

How do I like to awake...?

This morning, not long ago from me posting this, I got a phone call. Waking up with sweaty palms, a dirty body, dry eyes and dreadful thoughts, I answered my mobile phone. None other than my school on the other end saying I should be there with them. A little confused about what time it was... I hesitated. Then it hit me... school? They call me on the day they need me, interesting. They didn't seem to think of maybe a day earlier or even a heads up. I was, and still am, in no shape to be going to school. I need both physical and metal preparation as well as getting my bag ready. So, after being rudely awakened and reminded that I have tedious school to go to, I said the truth: I can't go. However, I think I put it more innocently. After hanging up I told my mother about what they had rang for and then headed back to my bed.

It was somewhere within a dream where I could hear the realities of the awake world. A car, beeping as I can remember. Then a knock on my door? I'm still not sure if this was all in my imagination but I sprung up from my bed, took a blurred look out my window to see a car outside. I'm also not sure if that was just my imagination. When I reached the end of the hall in nothing but a light shirt and quickly-buckled jeans, I could see nothing outside my door. Was that the sound of a car leaving? I wonder, did one of the school members come to pick me up? I wouldn't be surprised if they did.

I headed back to my bed for the third time. Only this time my head filled with some strange guilt. In truth, I shouldn't feel any guilt at all. So, I grabbed some clothes and had a shower but not before talking to my mother who convinced me that it was strange of the school to think I'd be spontaneously ready to head out to school at such an early hour without any heads-up. So, how do I feel about this? Rather shaken, in fact.

After a nice relaxing summer vacation, this sudden call, awakening... it all seems a bit rushed and has brought me out of my vacation rudely, noisy and disturbing which has made me unhappy and very unimpressed with my school.

With a melody of delusion...

Serious

2007-09-01T01:56:00.000+01:00

I think it's time I start to take this blog seriously. I've been using it too many times to just rant when I've had surge of emotion and/or I'm bored and just happened to remember it. So, from here on in I will try my best to create professional Blog entries of my personal life while still keeping it open to interest for visitors.

I'm back to school soon, however, I'm still not sure what exact date. It should be sometime in the next week. If I'm truly that unlucky, it will be soon. So, I ask myself, why do I despise school? Is it normal because it gets in the way of my fun life? Hell no, my life isn't that fun since have very little of a life. Then why... why do I hate school?

Well, I think I probably have one of the best excuses in Dublin for really not wanting to go to school. It's not something that can be said in word, though. After having an all-too-short summer vacation, I do feel somewhat refreshed and glad I could experience a bit more life and mature both in mind and body before returning to school in my 5th year. But I still really don't want to go back. One major reason is from my peers. I go to a... well, lets just call it an interesting school. It's supposed to be for the people who have it hard in other schools, skipped most of it in their young life or have been kicked from previous schools. The first and last bit of that 3-way list are the ones that apply to my situation. But, alas, I find myself stuck in a class with six girls (adding to my all-girl life) and with only one other guy that never seems to show up from both laziness and home problems. In a way, I don't really care if he shows up or not. None of my peers are very nice to me. Some however are just neutral so I have gained an equal neutral respect for them.

But I'm not a normal member of society and my But... over the summer I have awakened more of my skill and like I said, have matured. I daily update my site, visit forums, go out with friends and experience my life which I do admit dwells too one-sided in front of a computer screen. But hey, that's more of a life that watching TV as this kind of life requires skill and is recognised when intelligence is present. Having this net life has kind of made me... busy. Comical, ay? But yes... it has kept me busy as I do need to spend some time keeping all these things in good quality. Once I return to school however, I'm most sure that I will have less energy and time to spend as much attention as I would like on these hobbies and in a way... responsibilities of mine. I feel I learn more and more about myself, my skills, life and the world as long as I continue to do the things I like since my world, as an individual will always and forever revolve or glance in those directions. School seems... too public. Well, public may not be the way. More of a must do for the population and the advancement of society. Mine statistics for everything will always be a minority and not useful. School will help me when it comes to everything on paper and in the past but the only way I'll survive in this confusing world is for me to exceed in all ways in the things I am interested in. School will hinder this, yet... I can not live in this world without it. So my personality and uniqueness will both keep me back on both sides of advancement. This will just make life harder. I try to see the good side; it makes me more interesting and helps me build more of a damaged personality that can make me darker to go along with my dark memories.

Well, that is it for now. I will update when I get back to school and show the progress of my life. I might even start a few mind projects to see how people react to different situations and emotions. Even projects... or more rightly said, experiments on myself will help maintain this Blog's point.

Wake Up

2007-08-06T21:32:00.000+01:00

Well, it's been a while since I posted in this blog. I have to say, I've been too busy with my other blog and stuff.

I think I want to be fit again by playing pong for a while. I've been doing a damn good job but today I slacked off and got tired. I guess that's because I've been tired the entire last month. Depression makes you very, very tired all day. It's a horrible experience that I don't want to continue going through. But I'm recovering, I think.

Finishing a chapter on my semi-dead story TX was a bit of a relief but I need something real, something big.

To be honest, I'm really not in the mood to post this, just like all the previous times. I guess this is the best I can get out of myself.

The Vulgaris Darkness Era

2007-07-25T17:49:00.000+01:00

Well, I was out yesterday with my friend. We went to see a movie. I bought The Darkness and also Era Vulgaris. The songs are so bloody amazing, I love Queens of the Stone Age. After me and my friend had a great time I started to get tired so we both headed off home.

My sister said she had more trouble with my mum. Family is really falling apart. A lot of depression lately, I hope this darkness fades away.

Speaking of Darkness, I've been playing it and wow, it's great. I've set it to HARD and also turned the Auto Aiming function to almost off. Originally it was on 100% but not for me it's on around 15% Making the game very hard. Jackie only auto aims if I have my sights on a target for a long time and it usually breaks if the guy moves even a bit. I like it hard as the reviews say it's too easy and short. So I guess making it hard for myself will erase both of those problems.

One of my friends spoiled the ending for me. I was pretty steamed at her so I didn't even continue talking to her. I mean, I've been saving up for this games for ages now and really getting myself ready for a great gaming experience. She knew all this yet she went and spoiled it anyway. I really expected better from her. It's really the first time I've been angry at her.

I put Era Vulgaris on my PS3 but have yet to put it on my laptop. My laptop is actually broken. The keyboard and screen don't work so I have to attach a separate screen, keyboard and mouse. Overall it's a space waster in my room and complicated. But hey, it was either this broken laptop from my sister or a brand new one...hey wait minute. Ah well, I get broken stuff...at least I have my Ps3 ^_^

The first two songs on Era Vulgaris are my favorite but I also like "3's & 7's" which has a nice beat. "Sick sick sick" also seems to be popular.

I tried writing today but I don't have the head for it so I stopped. If I write when I can't it comes out as a bad read.

I'll have a full review of the Darkness on my next entry. Until then, take care.

Sick, run!

2007-07-21T21:18:00.000+01:00

Well a lot of stuff has happened.

I guess my main goal right now is to get The Darkness. A video game I have become interested in. It's a FPS which is generally not my usual choice but it has some demons so it's not a normal war game. And lets face it, there are too many of them out right now! Here's the official site.

I found some game play on Youtube.

Right now I'm sick as a dog but I stilled made plans to go out with my friend on Monday. Gonna go see Die Hard 4.0 which I hear is AMAZING. I trust my sister's movie reviews, she's fussy so if she says something is good. It. Is. GOOD!

That's all really apart from the normal home problems. I don't plan on writing anymore as I'm really not in the mood. All the best.

Possible Heal

2007-07-04T17:19:00.000+01:00

Yay, my routine is finally in order and I published Princess Gold yesterday! : D You can read more about that on my Stylish Blog. So, I feel pretty good about releasing it. It still has a few mistakes that I missed but nothing much. I hope I get viewers and it's not all for nothing. I might have to advertise it a bit more.

Krizy's back and she said she's gonna get to work on reading it so she can visualise the characters. That is so awesome and she's strong. I'll write more news about that in my Stylish Blog again.

I haven't heard from my friend Ollie...maybe I should give him a call. I need to get out of this house. Go into town maybe...yeah, that would be cool. See the new Die Hard movie. In fact, I'm gonna give him a call after I make this post. I hope he hasn't seen it already :o

My skill in Photo Shop has increased : D I think I'm getting much better. Oh and my ideas for stories have improved. I think Princess Gold shows how smart I can be but I think to really show my skill in creativity I'm going to have to finish TX and make a FANTASTIC story. I just finished watching the second movie of Death Note. Death Note: Last Name. :o It's awesome! Go see it! If you have a slow connection, watching it on that link might be a bad idea. Also make sure you watch the first one!

Well, I think I'll just listen to more music and then call Ollie. I hope I have enough money to go out...been kind of tight and all, bills N' stuff. I hope i get through this...money problems are not just about money, it causes stress and my family is having legal problems. All in all it's really screwing with us. Which is why I think I need to go out a little bit with my friend, clear my head and make me happy a bit. Sitting in this grey room is not going to do anything for me.

At least I've been eating well and keeping up regular exercise. My arm muscles are starting to return. After all, I develop muscle EXTREMELY fast, thanks to my dad (the ONLY good genes he gave me) and it takes long before they go. Guess I'm lucky to be naturally strong (and tall)

My stomach muscle is also returning...I noticed it in the mirror yesterday as I had my shirt off in the bathroom. I usually don't look at myself so I can ACTUALLY see myself mature, where as most people who often look in the mirror get use to it and don't notice any differences.

That's all that's really going on. I'll make another entry when something happens. Thanks for reading :)

Too Positive

2007-07-04T15:56:00.000+01:00

Grey Room

2007-06-29T11:40:00.000+01:00

I hope it worked. I went to sleep at a reasonable time top try and get my routine back into order. I woke up at 8-9 AM. I guess that's good, right? What am I saying? Of course it's good. In order to get it back though, I had to stay awake for ages, drinking coffee and havin' ye ole shower.

But anyway, it's over and done with and I'm happy as a clown about it. I'm also thinking of taking up a chance to go out with my friends. Getting sick of this room...it's very grey now, if ya know what I mean. I'm also talking to a lot of people I knew a while ago. My editor, Christina and a guy named Ed that I was very close to about a year ago. We just started talking hehe, was cool. Of course...these people are online. I think it's cool that my friend Ed is still working on his story. I'm waiting for my anime artist to be done PG art. I'll give her some more time but I need to publish this before I lose some fans.

PS3 is getting boring. No money to get new games! It'd be cool if I could even download Blast Factor, a cheap game but nooo...still no money. Very bored now. Well that's really it, nothing much but me lazing around. Till next time...later.

Summer Dissolve

2007-06-26T07:38:00.000+01:00

It has been...ugh, I dunno....ages since I got off school. And I have been doing nothing but staying at home, playing video games and working on internet projects. I feel like a right loser. Reason why? My routine has been screwed up.

My own fault really. I've been sleeping in the day and awaking at night. I am defiantly screwed with my times. In fact, I'm writing this entry at like... 8 AM! I'll probably fall asleep at 11AM and wake up at 8 PM. Happy days, huh? Like I said, I've been working on my projects. During this time of summer dissolving, I have acquired a new favourite band. My usual ones were Muse, Queens of the Stone Age and Type O Negative. But now...I've gotten very fond of Radiohead. That's right. I love them! Their songs are so good I find myself listening to them over and over. However, I'm gonna try not over do it. Spreading out the albums...not making the same mistake I did with Nirvana!

I felt pretty sad after I read one of the ONLY Blogs I actually read. Krizy's. Its kind of sad what she posted. Thinking about it a lot. I guess it got to me because I know what it's like to have a family member in pain. My sister Annalisa...ugh god. She is alive, thank god. But when she had that...syndrome. He tongue fell out...her skin... Oh god I can't even bring myself to write about it. It's so horrible and she was in so much pain. At the time, I was too young. But now when I look at it, it makes me feel so sad. So I hope Krizy is okay.

I have recently found where my talent lies. It's not with art which is a real shame as I'd like to know how to draw. But...its not my thing, I can't do it. Digital Art Design is where my talent lies. Along with Literature. I'm sure I have more skills but it will be more maturing to an adult before I find them. With art out the window, I can pretty much give up any decent plans to be a professional animator or games designer since art is absolutely needed there. Kind of sad, but maybe things will change as I grow.

Rejected Females

2007-06-25T03:28:00.001+01:00

I've recently been pissed off by male gamers online for the 360. I'm sure it's happening with any online games too (and of course IRl).

Basically, my sister gets called weak. One gamer whose name my sister can't receive (on the count that she deleted everything relating to him from her account) was practically bad. He was completely sexist. He was saying that men are above women because they are stronger and bigger. He had the cheek to say this while two women were in the online room.

I am pretty much sick of male gamers, they mostly think alike and cause a lot of attention and hate on any female gamers that happen to appear. This is really bad. I get along with women very much and I totally respect them when they play online. I also notice that male gamers curse a lot and call each other names online. I think HALO is known to be a complete embarrassment to the male community. Whenever I play with female gamers they are very nice to me and usually play on average with most. Of course, I am naturally nice back to them as I am with any respectable gamer. I think it's crossed the line though with how intense the situation has grown.

I think rules should clearly state, "No sexist remarks." And that if observation of this rule being broken has taken place, then reporting it should be encouraged. This might cut down on the sexist remarks against female gamers which I believe makes them feel either strange playing video games (since its said that not a lot of girls play video games, making them seem like out casts) or hostile to the online gaming community. This is a real shame as a lot of female gamers are very good online and usually think differently than men (multi tasking helps) creating a lot of variety in the enemies. Most games are made by men, meaning that the level design is usually made for men. If a woman was to see a map she might go about it in a whole new way that male gamers don't see. Like I said, this could make games a lot more interesting with the variety of women.

I strongly suggest any female gamers out there not to put the word girl or anything feminine it their name. It is just going to attract horny men and assholes. Leave it out. You can add some hidden feminine things but make sure they are hard to notice otherwise you'll have guys kicking you out of the room.

Also do not start talking on the mic unless you are with good friends or are with other girls. If you talk, it is an immediate give away of your sex and men will most likely start questioning you about it. Now, unless you really like attention, that is a very bad thing. So try to conceal your identity. If you this, you will enjoy online gaming a whole lot more.

Also, with your identity hidden, you might be better at the game than most male gamers once you practice. Since females have different ways of handling situations, you will find things that male gamers never attempt or use. You can use this against them and continue to win! If a MAN really likes your skill and tries to message you/ask you to join his clan, then do so unless you really don't want to. But try and be friends before revealing you're a woman. Once he does find out that you're a woman, he might have more respect for you if he was that kind of guy. You'll do a small but important part in waking men up to the idea that the female community is just as good as the men and is better and worse in some areas.

Men and women all have advantages and disadvantages and all of them make up for each other. It's so equal.

Well thanks for reading my thoughts on male gamers and how female gamers can get around them.

Have a nice day.

Power Surge

2007-06-22T14:36:00.000+01:00

Ugh, my eyes sting! No, not from the lightning outside (thank god) but from staying awake so damn long! Yeah, I've pretty much been up for ages now. I woke at 8 PM. It's now 20 to 3PM! In another few hours I will have been awake for 24 straight hours. This feelings sucks.

Right now my eyes keep closing by themselves and it hurts to open them. My power recently when out from a lightning strike on our Irish power lines. Owned, eh? Yeah, thing is though I had my PS3 on. Now, if I was any normal guy, my PS3 would be fried right about now. But since when am I normal? Never! I have one of those power surge plug sockets. I plug all my crap into it, including my PS3. Not only does it have an emergency shut off button (in case anyone is getting the ole shock treatment) but it also automatically prevents from power surges to strike through the socket and possibly damage my equipment, such as my ever expensive PS3. Thank god for power surge.

Killing Spree

2007-02-03T17:10:00.000Z

I have finished updating chapter 1, 2, 3 and 4. This means it looks like a real book. Bad news is that I have to take down the chapters from my site. This is about Tournament X obviously. My site hasn't majorly improved or anything but it's still hanging on.

Mocks will be coming soon so I'll have less time to write TX. I'll be too busy studying, sleeping and sorting things out. I won't abandon it though.

I'll see yo it that David keeps up his own Fiction and creates a good story. If he gets good, he can have TX. That would be awesome as he always wanted to create it him self. Thats all for now.

Devil Christmas

2006-12-24T16:55:00.000Z

The reason why I love Devil May Cry 3.

Fist of all most people ask me why do I like Devil May Cry. Isn't it just another slash 'n smash? Well yes, it is an action game and not much more but I think most people miss the art of the entire reason for playing it.

Like all video games it is suppose to entertain you as you clear each level on the edge of your seat waiting for a new cool cut scene or some kind of reward for your hard work getting through yet another mission. Devil May Cry does this but in a different way that most games have forgotten. One thing it does, it lets you know its not fooling around. It lets you off in a fairly straight path but it does not baby sit or hand guide you through the experience. No map markers, no comments, no captions when you press X near an item and no arrow signs. Like I said the path is usually forward but because of the sheer simple ness of the path it lets you feel free to go in all directions even though the path is simple. It almost feels like your bending the path its self. Some players might not feel this, or just might not notice it. At times you might think that even though the path is forward, you can easily smash a hole in the wall and take a whole new approuch to it.

Puzzle solving has always been in Devil May Cry. Sometimes the whole game is about one giant puzzle with loads of small ones thrown in. Just like the environment, its simple, and just like the environment, you can go about it any way you want. Usually containing an orb or stone you must carry to a specific place and back. Along the way you are sure to encounter many enemies.

That leads us onto the battle, the largest part of the game. What is great is the feel of power. Entering a room, music starts to fade in, rock music. Then you hear the sounds of demons, you welcome it. Not long after that is one of the demons charging at you wanting to cut you in half. Two seconds later and your already slicing an enemy 9 feet in the air while somehow dodging, shooting, blasting and blocking all manner of attacks and charges. It's only when you step back and look at the big picture to see how fast you have been racking up the style meter. If a person comes in and looks at the screen, most will say a sentence similar to "Jesus, I can't see a thing." since all they CAN see is you speeding out of the camera's view and making dramatic lighting effects along with the most ear shattering rock music combined with the bloody sounds of steel and skin. All this together makes a truly enjoyable view.

Pulling off some insane stunts and comical mistakes that turn out good is one of the reasons I and many keep coming back to see how well we fight in Devil May Cry. Even though armed with the same weapons, fighting same enemies and with same music, never will you have a fight that turns out the same. There is ALWAYS at least one thing to make THAT fight, a fight to remember. And just like the action, Devil May Cry will rock to the very end.

Born Again Devil

2006-12-16T23:41:00.000Z

So here I am, in my house. My story Tournament X is coming along smoothly. I have to admit I do tend to slack off but I always make up for it.

Today I went out with my sister because she wasn't feeling well and I didn't want her by her self. She bought Christmas presents for her lover and other people. I don't like Christmas. Well, I don't mean that fully. I love the lights and time I get to spend with my family, not to mention the days off school. All that is good yes, but I hate the presents. I really do, I don't like receiving presents unless it was something I needed badly. I really don't like how Christmas has corrupted its self into a mass marketing orgasm. Well, in the end people seem to buy me presents even though I tell them not to. That means I will seem mean for not returning something. What can I return? I mean I don't have a job and spending money from your guardian is just stupid. I plan to make something for my whole family in art. I just hope I get it done before the holidays. I'd hate to show up on Christmas without anything to say thanks for all the presents.

When my sister was done with her errands we returned home. She felt very ill and sat down straight away. She finally went to her room and had a small rest. I played Oblivion for the rest of the hours.

Unlike yesterday where I was out all day. I went to Kildare with almost everyone I know. We went to a Celtic cross and they drew some pictures for reference in school. I took some pictures with my mobile phone. After that we headed off to a fancy hotel where we had a giant meal. It was very nice and refreshing. When we were done with the food, we got back on the bus and headed off to an ancient castle type thing.

It wasn't really a castle, the castle was gone. Just the hill and mout around it was left. We climbed up to have a laugh. I watched as the girls failed again and again trying to get up. Eventually two of the girls made it up the steep hill. Getting down was the best part. I ran down a less, but still very, steep part of the hill. It was very funny but nobody was watching. I didn't mind. This was all two days ago. I was tired that day.

As for actually having a life, I can't say much. I guess I am reading a bit. Well, I read a lot. I have started on the classic Oliver twist. What kind of book worm would I be if I didn't read a book like that? It was a gift from my teacher John for winning most improved student of the month. I am happy with my prize.

It is eleven PM now so I better wind down. I still have some story of chapter four to finish up before I get anywhere near comfortable. Well, I wonder what else life has in store for me.